June 24th – Luna & Dexter

I haven’t been talking about it much with anyone for the most part. I do in therapy a bit but at the same time I think I do things to avoid talking about it. June 24th, 2013 is the date I gave to Luna for her birthday. I don’t actually know the exact date because I was not there. My ex husband Scott was working for Mission Petroleum while we were living at the time in Pleasantville, Texas in a “man camp”. At one of the places he went to get oil one of the gate guards had been taking care of Luna’s Mom and siblings two orange tabbies. Luna’s Mom if memory serves me right was an all white cat, very skinny. I remember Scott telling me about seeing the kittens and talking to the gate guard and that night we went back to the site so I could see the kittens and I seen Mom first and they found the kittens hiding inside a car in the engine area, I seen that one was a beautiful little calico and I knew that was the one that I was going to take home. We went to the nearest town to get supplies (food, cat box, litter, toys, etc) and then picked her up about an hour later. I gave her a flea bath in the sink and dried her off and cuddled with her and fell in love completely. When we moved to Three Rivers she moved with us and then again when we moved to Corpus Christi. When we had Darwin, when we got Gandalf and when we lived in a hotel after we had the car repossessed and evicted from the apartment because I was the only one working after the accident Scott got into. We moved to Corpus Christi after the accident, after he was let go from Mission, after he had broke his back and was getting workman’s compensation and going to physical therapy and doctors appointments in Corpus. I wanted to go back to Austin and he wanted to go to Corpus. We ended up finding an apartment in Corpus first and moving there. As I said I was the only one working for awhile until he became did customer service and then became a cab driver.

I look this period in my life as a bit of a blur and I do realize that I really need to still deal with some of the things that I went through. But I get off on side tangents when trying to deal with the traumatic ending of Luna and Dexter’s life. In many ways the end of Dexter’s life on October 8, 2018 only 2 months and 8 days after Luna died in my arms suddenly and mysteriously. To me it’s not so much a mystery to me after I found out what the bad man did to Dexter that day. But I didn’t find out right away, not on Oct 8th not even on October 24th of 2018 I was still not positive of what had happened but at the same time I absolutely knew but had been so brainwashed and fucked up by the bad man that I was still trying to drink the kool-aid he was offering. On October 28th it all hit me and on the 29th I had Paula tell me the ugly details but it was October 26th that my body was screaming at me to get the fuck out of where I was because I was next. I am thankful that I sank into sadness and that I was grieving badly and that I got mad and that I was pushing him away but the more I did the scarier he got. The more I found him watching me, the more I couldn’t sleep, the more I was scared for my life. I am forever grateful for Paula and everyone that came to my aid for the moving, the court hearings, listening to me sob my eyes out and pick apart what happened. I’m still picking it apart. I do know that the bad man is responsible for taking away my little loves but in a way he didn’t take them away, he just ended my time with them and ended my time with him which isn’t what he wanted. He didn’t expect me to be smarter than him or to stand up for myself and my life. There are times that I have wished that he would’ve taken me but that is much fewer and far between now. I think when I do feel that way that I don’t say anything but I probably should so I know that I am trying to grieve my loves. He didn’t take away the love, that is still with me but it took a fuckton of reading grief books, group therapy, medications and a multitude of hours of therapy and psychotherapy.

Luna (6/24/13-7/26/2018) only lived 5 years and 1 month and 2 days and Dexter 3/17/2016-9/8/2018 and Dexter didn’t even make it to his 3rd birthday, he was 2 years, 6 months and 22 days. Why did I break down the ages? I want to make an impact for domestic violence survivors. This is why I write about my Luna and Dexter, this is why I still talk about them instead of brushing it aside and pretending this horrible thing didn’t happen. My babies were murdered but I survived and I still survive. I still love my Luna and I love my Dexter and I will figure out a way of celebrating my babies life today.

Gandalf, baby Dexter & Luna – Corpus Christi