What is a dissociative disorder? According to the NAMI website, “Dissociative disorders are characterized by an involuntary escape from reality characterized by a disconnection between thoughts, identity, consciousness and memory.” I’ve known only a bit about my own dissociative episodes. Because of the trauma I’ve experienced multiple times in my life I have used this and didn’t know I was using it, in order to cope with what was happening or my feelings. It’s very common with trauma. This is something that I’ve been recently exploring with my therapist and she’s having me monitor or try to monitor my dissociative episodes. I am pretty sure this is going to be quite difficult to monitor. The only time I know or think that I have had an episode is from the surreal feeling that I’m not experiencing something but I am. This is depersonalization disorder which I tended to attribute it to me being creative. I want to say that I still don’t quite understand this very well but I am trying to figure it out. Does that mean I have dissociative identity disorder? I don’t think so but I’m also unsure but I think that if I would have more trauma in my life which everyone goes through trauma but it depends on the severity what impact it has on the individual. I think that it could happen.
Trauma work for me is something that I have been working on for many years. I feel like I’ve been chipping away at it little by little. I’ve been exploring many things that I feel will help me. I’m reading Reiki for Life and Buddha’s Brain and listening to podcasts. I bought myself a Himalayan Singing Bowl and have stones and even white sage. I want to be open to possibilities of things that are going to ease and soothe me as I’m working on difficult things. I’m still in DBT or dialectical behavior therapy which practices mindfulness.
What I can tell you about this is that I find it difficult. I find it difficult to find people who are interested in listening to what I have to say, what I am feeling, what I am thinking and I know that part of that is the people that I have had in my life that have been involved in some way with my experiences. Then there are also the people in my life that have to deal with me in some way, some do, some don’t and some are truly to my detriment. There are people that have mocked me, abused me and made it so I don’t want to talk or make it so I don’t want to talk. That makes it even more difficult and confusing for me to figure out who really wants to listen to me and to what extent they want to which I suppose that’s how I got involved in therapy, groups, etc. I do have a lot to say and it doesn’t always come out well or at the right times and for that I am sorry. I am still learning and I am still trying.
Last week marked 3 years that Dexter was murdered, October 8th. Luna and Dexter weren’t just cats to me, I love my babies. What happened was more than what most people know anything about, it isn’t about what he did to them, it is what he did to me, how he made me a victim and survivor. It isn’t something that one just gets over easily. One doesn’t ‘get over’ it, you aren’t the same person and you adjust yourself to the way your life has become and that is something that keeps shifting as you work on your shit. Domestic Violence Awareness month is October and the day of unity is the first Monday in October both are designed to connect advocates with helping women and children and ending the violence.